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[kappastrophe]

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(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

I think I'm trying to.

[Trying to forget the sound of a body hitting the ground. The puff of dust and the silence. The way everything just snapped...]

[He swallows.]

[It feels like the shoe is dropping. He can't move. Something cold settling in his chest. He's absolutely sure this is going the way he thinks. About us... can never be good. How could it possibly be good? He's absolutely blown it.]

[His jaw works.]

I'll move my things out. I... have been a burden to you long enough, haven't I? That's what you're going to say. What you should say. [He laughs, but there's no humor in it. It's more like a death rattle than a laugh.]

What else could I possibly not know about you, except that we've... that we've parted ways?

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[His eyes widen, head turning sharply.]

What? Why would you--

[His eyes close, head hanging for a second. Of course. Of course Hakkai assumed the worst. Why wouldn't he?]

You know, after all this time bein' wrong you'd think you'd get used to it by now.

[Gojyo exhaled, looking back up.]

It ain't like that. It's-- easier to show you, probably.

[So he gathers his hair and turns. Exposing his neck.]

You saw it before anyone else somehow, but it was Goku who pointed it out. Dunno what it means yet, it hasn't done anything to me yet. But it's there.

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

[He just shakes his head. Why would he think that? Does Gojyo really have to ask? Seriously? It's easier, not to look him in the eye still. Easier to laugh hoarsely, humorlessly. Bow his head to let his hair hide his eyes. Waiting... How could he be wrong? Maybe he's just jumping part of the gun. Not the whole thing.]

[At least until Gojyo moves. Then he lifts his head, finally.]

[The ground drops out from under him.]

[His hands are outstretched before his brain catches up. Brushing back stray red strands, thumbs smoothing along the black mark. As if it's going to vanish. As if touch is somehow going to banish the horrid sight like it did his corruption. It doesn't. Even if he traces it, again and again, the movements turning jerky, hasty.]

[It's not going away.]

[The surge of adrenaline fades out, and he slowly bows his head again, with a long shudder. This - well, he definitely didn't expect this.]

... How long...? Do you know?

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[Gojyo shakes his head.]

Nah. Few weeks, maybe? Dunno what it means back home yet, or here. Nothin' else changed.

[He lets his hair drop back and picks up the bandages again, beginning the slow process of re-wrapping his ankle.]

There was a point where I got worried though. If we went off and did some shit and I turned all demon I needed to know you'd stop me, put me down if you had to. If it's me or the world it's gotta be the world, you know?

[Gojyo's jaw flexes. The shock of it still makes him think he dreamed the whole thing.]

You said you couldn't. Said even if Sanzo did you'd youkai out and try to beat the shit outta him to keep him from doing it, even. You were dead serious.

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

[All he can do is sit there. Sit there and listen. He should be feeling something. Other than just blank, numb acceptance. But it... it makes sense. Even as his voice comes out quiet, hoarse.]

Is that really such a shock?

[Just saying that much feels like an admission. Feels like he's stepped too far. But it doesn't surprise him. It doesn't surprise him in the least. Even at his worst, he hadn't been able to hurt Gojyo. He'd stopped himself. Held back when he wouldn't against anyone else.]

No part of me has ever been able to hurt you.

[If it's me or the world, it's gotta be the world. When they've been one another's world for so long... that statement becomes totally different.]

Would you, if the situation was reversed?

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

It was to me.

[Whether he should have known or not, he had been surprised. No, shocked shitless. He knew Hakkai cared about him, of course. They were best friends. Had been for years. But he also knew Hakkai could make those harder calls when he had to. He had this warped sense of 'I'll just have to eat how shitty this makes me feel forever' that let him push through doing whatever he thought he had to do.

And surely Gojyo wasn't important enough to be an exception.]

No.

[He's paying closer attention to that ankle wrapping now. Boy is that interesting. His hair slides forward to hide his expression as he focuses, but Hakkai knows him well enough to hear the self depreciating smile in his voice.]

But you're you and I'm me, yeah? Like in the fight with the kid. I know it's gotta be you that makes it or we're fucked.

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

And what about afterward?

[What happens afterward? When he's the only one who makes it. When he is the only one who would be able to walk back into that little house they had. The only one left. That's not something he wants to think about. Not a world he could stand to be in.]

I...

[He hesitates. He shouldn't do this. He should not step forward more than he already has. But he can't stand to hear that note in Gojyo's voice right now. Not after this news. So he reaches over. He grasps one of those hands.]

Do you really believe I could be content in that world? If you couldn't?

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[Gojyo starts, eyes widening as he actually forces himself to picture it.

He knew he was hot and got away with a lot because of it, but beyond that he didn't think of himself as a guy with a ton to offer. No family, no real long lasting friends aside from the present company. No ambitions in life to do much more than he did now. He didn't want to raise a family, earn a bunch of money. Hell, he wasn't even sure he'd make it to 30.

What if we're still doing this when we're 40?

Maybe that's why, despite the absolute logic of it, Gojyo'd never actually thought about what might happen if Hakkai made it and he didn't.

He loved Hakkai, but the guy wasn't exactly the king of stability. He developed deep attachments to the people in his life, and Gojyo was undoubtably one of his stronger ones. He didn't have to be as perceptive as he typically was to've worked that out.

But he hadn't.

Why?

The hand that isn't holding Hakkai's grasps at the bedsheets.]

You'd kinda lose your shit, huh?

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

You have a great skill for understatements.

[For the first time since Goku opened the door, there's the ghost of humor in his voice. His expression softening slightly. Affectionate.]

["losing his shit" is putting it lightly. Downplaying something like a bomb going off. If that past night had been any sort of measurement of what would happen. He's never been one to react rationally to a loss. Especially not the loss of someone as important as a loved one. His past was one big red flag for that.]

I told you before. I don't think I can lose anyone else. Especially not someone important to me.

[His voice flattens out. Eyes dropped to the bed.]

And I... cannot be responsible for their death. Ever again.

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

Oi, oi. If I died back there it wouldn't have been your fault.

[He frowns, finally looking back up at Hakkai from beneath the curtain of his hair.]

My choices got me where I was. My actions. That ain't on you.

[He, of course, knew about Kanan. It'd been how they met in the end, after all. The last thing he wanted if something did happen to him was for Hakkai to blame himself. That might be inevitable, but Gojyo could at least make his stance on the issue clear.

Gojyo gave his hand a squeeze.]

I ain't planning on going anywhere, here or there. Even in the future. Even if--

[He lets go of the bedsheet to gesture at his neck.]

-- this thing decides to fuck up my life. You're important too.

[The next words catch in his throat. He forces them out anyway.]

Never had anyone in my life before who gave a shit and didn't take off.

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

Hm. I... believe you feel that way. [With the unspoken statement he can't bring himself to do the same. He couldn't not blame himself for another loss. For letting himself become so closely attached to someone else he couldn't save. That mark may as well be a sword hung over Gojyo's head.]

[And he can't do a damn thing about it.] I just can't accept it again. I couldn't take it again. Losing someone who means...

[Means an entire world. It would be the last straw. The final blow. He wouldn't really care for anything else. Or try to. Why bother? Just let the monster take over. Let himself go - let one of the others take the shot. Yeah, this would be the most dramatic of bitches here.]

[He's quiet for a while then, just lacing their fingers tighter together. Should he do this? Venture forward? Gojyo is being vulnerable here. He's offering more than Hakkai has. It's not fair to him to just leave things as they are...]

[He swallows.]

Of course I won't go anywhere. My next partner has to be someone indestructible, as... you always call yourself.

[His head feels like it's going to explode, heart hammering louder and louder in his ears.]

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[Gojyo stops breathing.

My next partner should be an invincible woman.

It'd been a joke, followed by a quip about how all of his kids would get a crush on their 'Uncle Gojyo.' Hakkai's future wife, he'd said.

Forty years.

It'd be too sexy.

The almost panicked way he kept his mark from him, even if this Hakkai has no memory of it.

Reality settles in, settling like sheets of rice paper. Each one with a different part of the puzzle. Layered together the picture was clear.]

You--

[But his fingers were tight where they twined with Hakkai's. He wasn't about to let him pull away, not now. Even as he stared at him, eyes wide. Breathless.]

-- me?

[Nailed it.]

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

[He very nearly does pull away. Pull himself back off the bed. The silence, while understandable, as the gears in Gojyo's head slowly grind to life - just a little faster than the hamster wheel in Goku's. He should know that. But in this moment, with this revelation, he can't help but let his mind start to spiral.]

[And his mouth with it.]

I know, it's - absurd, isn't it? I'm nothing like the usual sorts you prefer, in any way. It's just not possible. I irritate you, for one thing. Nagging, that's what you call it, isn't it? Or called it. But you see why I offered to go? Why I offered to find my own residence? I shouldn't burden you with something like this. I can't ask for more than just friendship - it won't make you any less important in my life, I don't think that's possible -

[oh my god shut up]

[Because he's still going. He's still laying out every reason he's absolutely sure this won't go anywhere but awkwardly. He's still saying he understands, he's a criminal, he's committed horrible acts, no one should want anything like a relationship with him. Let alone someone who is an actual decent person.]

[He can't even bring himself to look into Gojyo's eyes. Even while he feels them on him. He doesn't want to see what he fears.]

[Incredulity? Rejection? Something along those lines.]

[Hakkai is still rambling when he drops his head into his other hand. To hide his own expression better.]

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[Honestly, the rambling is a relief. While he goes off Gojyo's eyes search him, still absorbing the revelation that his best friend has the hots for him. Maybe even loves him. It lets him see the reality of it all through the familiarity of his trademark self depreciation.

After a moment the sound of Hakkai's voice fades out. It's a white noise he can handle because he's seen it... well, not often, but often enough to know what it means. This, he can read.

A soft smile tugs at the corners of his mouth unbidden, and he leans forward. Hands still twined, he closes the distance between them in a manner not entirely unfamiliar. Gojyo has always been physical, after all. Slinging an arm over his shoulder, ruffling his hair. Just generally being in his space.

Being here wasn't unfamiliar at all. It grounded him. And suddenly he knew exactly what to do.]

Oi. Quit that.

[And he rapped at Hakkai's head with his palm.]

You're assuming shit again. Maybe you oughta actually ask me what I think before jumping ten steps ahead.

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

[Honestly, Hakkai probably would have kept rambling on and on, repeating himself once he got to the end of the list of reasons he was unfit for any form of romantic companionship. It was just his way. The usual way.]

[Until Gojyo's hand contacts his head.]

[It's like hitting the reset button on a computer. Or skip on a disc player. He kind of blinks. Rapidly. His train of thought literally off the tracks. For a good handful of seconds, he can only stare.]

... Oh. I... hadn't thought of that.

[Yeah, no shit. But in his defense, however small it may be, he hadn't actually thought they would ever have this conversation.]

Maybe - it's that I'm concerned of what the answer will be...

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

Yeah.

[He exhales.]

Yeah, I get that.

[He knows how easy it'd be for him to hurt Hakkai. How fragile he is when it comes to the people he cares about. And even before all of this thee fact that he cared about Gojyo was undeniable. As was the fact that it was reciprocated.

Gojyo had to admire how brave he had to be to come this far. For him this was a huge leap. A huge risk. It deserved at least as much back.]

I had no idea. Seriously none. Probably makes me a dumbass, but I--

[He swallows, his tone softening.]

I never had anyone ... [He gestures with is free hand.] You know. Care about me like this. Ain't never done more than sleep with a girl or a friend or whatever. And even then they didn't exactly stick around. [He exhales a mirthless laugh.] Hell, you know my family situation. So not much love there either.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

[Gojyo's heart thuds in his chest. Sex he knew how to handle. He was getting better at long-term friends. But this? This kind of intimacy? Vulnerability? Fuck, he barely knew what those words meant.

He licked his lips.]

But I've known there was something different for awhile now. On my side, I mean. I hate you not being around. I even hated thinkin' about different rooms in the new house. Ain't that stupid? A guy deserves his own space, you know? Nothin' wrong with that. But I hate it.

[His free hand tears through his hair, pulling it back from his forehead.]

I love you. You're the most important person in my life. You have been for a real long time. That part's easy. The rest scares the shit outta me.

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

No, it doesn't. I don't blame you for not seeing it... I... wasn't entirely aware until this place made it very clear.

[He'd known there was something other than just friendship. At least on his side. After all, he hadn't gone to anyone else, find anyone else, any other place, after his release. After becoming Hakkai. No, he'd sought out the person who saw a pile of refuse in a ditch and decided it was worth saving.]

[And subsequently, couldn't leave.]

[They just worked, for some reason. They just went together like two sides of a coin. But friends did that. Close friends. Best friends. And he will be contented with that, if it's the answer. He has to be.]

[Because he can't lose anyone else. In any capacity.]

[He realizes he's fallen silent while Gojyo speaks. He's hearing him. The words are sinking in. Filling in the chasm that grew up under his feet, piece by piece. Slowly but surely - it becomes less and less likely he's going to start falling again. I hate you not being around - you're the most important person]

[It does, however, take his brain a moment longer to catch up on three of those words. It chews them over. Turns them over. They could mean platonic things. Like friendship. Like what he expected, what he thought he'd get. And nothing more.]

[But...]

You know I could - I would never ask more of you than you could give... [He says it slowly. Carefully. To let the words sink in. And to let himself start to pull their joined hands closer. Trace the lines over the back of Gojyo's palm with his free hand. His eyes on it. On the contrast of their skin.]

I would never push you. If... you want us to remain friends... nothing more - [Until you figure it out, one way or another, goes unsaid between the pressure of his fingers.] - know that you will always remain my most important person.

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[Gojyo blinks before waving his hand dismissively.]

I know, man. I know that. You'd never do something like that on purpose.

[At the very least they were best friends. People who always had each others backs. It used to surprise Gojyo how much he trusted this once-stranger, but it'd been a long time since he had.

His thumb brushes across the back of his hand.]

And the-- more than friends thing.

[ Ba-dum. Ba-dum. ]

I want that. I just dunno what I'm doing and don't want you to get ---

[ Frustrated, bored, disappointed, to a point where you want to leave. ]

-- the wrong idea. You know, 'cause of all my experience with the ladies.

[ Nailed it. ]

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

[He actually manages the faint ghost of a smile again. It's nice to know, nice to hear, that even with this massive confession, this bombshell dropped between them, Gojyo's answer to Hakkai's assurances is "I know". Of course, considering Hakkai's constant displays of never being able to physically hurt him, maybe it's not that big of a surprise.]

[His mouth feels dry, all of the sudden. I want that. And I love you - and it's suddenly crystalizing under him. Lodging in his throat. It's hard to get his own words out in reply.]

[Because statements like that deserve more than an "ah".]

I am well-accustomed to your habits... [That ghost, wisp of smile warms. Just a bit.] And they've yet to cause me to do anything rash.

[I'm not going anywhere.]

[Silence.]

Unless, of course, you decide to revert to your previous ashtray preferences, that is.

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[A beat.

Gojyo coughs on a surprised laugh, trying to muffle it in his shoulder as he laces their other hand together too. His stomach is churning; somehow he feels bashful and like he's about to throw up at the same time.

It's fucking horrifying that he might fuck this up and ruin the most important thing in his life. Gojyo was a lot of things, but a coward wasn't one of them. If he was gonna try to do this, he was gonna try to do this. Not because Hakkai was looking at him like that, but because of how Gojyo felt when he did. It solidified things for him, made him more sure that his gut was leading him in the right direction.

His smile is a careful thing once the laugh passes.]

You did put up with me when you first moved in. Guess I probably can't scare you off now.

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

To be entirely fair, it wasn't as if I were in any position to judge your lifestyle when we first met.

[And then afterward? Well. Gojyo was trainable. He'd say that much. And fondly, at that.]

[It's a very, very good smile. He'd like to keep seeing it, as often as possible. That one, in particular. Frankly, he doesn't think there's anything Gojyo could do to mess up what it is they have - no matter where they take it. They've been through too much.]

You're never being rid of me, at this rate.

[They're still holding onto each others' hands. Is it too much if he... lifts them up? Bows his head over them. Like a kiss, but not. That might be too much.]

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[He chuckles.]

You were kinda passed out and bleeding your guts out.

[And then hiding from the law, more or less. Not that Gojyo minded. It'd been awhile since he'd had reliable company besides Banri. And Hakkai could cook. It wasn't long until they'd really started to rely on each other, especially after he became Hakkai.]

We worked out though, yeah?

[Gojyo watches as Hakkai leans forward almost reverantly between their hands. It's surreal to watch for more than one reason. In the first, he still can't really believe this is happening. Did they really just--- are they gonna-- ???

And in the second, it was hard to believe it was happening to a guy like him . Of all people. He wasn't the kind of guy stuff like this happened to. He wasn't the kind of person people learned more about and decided to stick around for, let alone fall in love with.]

Damn. There go all my future plans.

[His tone is flat, his grin is wry. And with Hakkai's head bent down between their hands it's all the easier to lean down and press a kiss to the crown of his head.]

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

Literally, in fact. [That's not funny. Stop making jokes that aren't funny. But it's impossible not to, in the moment. Everything feels lighter. Like weights have been pulled off his limbs. For once, since that awful memory share, it doesn't feel like what's waiting for him is an ending.]

[What a different, welcome feeling, that is.]

Oh, you had plans? My sincerest of apologies.

[Again, there's no hiding the amusement, the relief, in every word. Like his face is going to crack from the very happiness in his features. How many times has something actually worked for them? Besides, well, the two of them in general?]

[His heart stops. He should have known. He should have guessed Gojyo would actually make the first move. And it makes the awkward, uncertain lump in his chest thaw a bit more.]

Ah... I think. You may have missed.

[He looks up. Slowly. It's a bit awkward, trying to angle his head so he doesn't knock into Gojyo's. But eventually, he manages.]

[And he's smiling. Really, sincerely, smiling up at him.]

(frozen)

[kappastrophe]

[Honestly, Gojyo can't remember the last time he saw Hakkai this happy. Maybe never. Content, sure. Relaxed, comfortable, absolutely. Relieved, frequently. Before this moment he would've sworn he'd seen Hakkai happy, but not like this. It was like he was a different person entirely.

And maybe that's infectious because Gojyo can feel something warm bubbling in his stomach, rising in his chest.

His eyes crinkle, narrowing as his smile widens.]

Oho, cheeky, huh?

[Going with his gut is also something he's good at. He can overthink things later if he's going to. Right now he's going to lean forward and kiss his best friend.]

(frozen)

[knowsvinewhip]

You know me so well...

[He doesn't hesitate for once. There's no point to it now. Everything is out in the open where it should be. Where he should have had it from the start. His only pause is to murmur a brief - please watch the door - as an aside to his Omen.]

[To make sure there's not a second interruption.]

[That's all, before he leans the rest of the way in. It's been years since he'd done anything like this. It should feel different. It should feel awkward, somehow. He should be making all sorts of comparisons here. That's how his brain has always worked.]

[But kissing his best friend? It's like those thoughts die before they're born. It's like the easiest, best thing in the world. Like they were supposed to do this from the start.]