[Goku blows a raspberry at Gojyo, clearly oblivious to whatever internal turmoil he's going through. It's clearly much more important to tell them both that he's annoyed at them for not being good patients.]
Secrets are stupid! We're not s'pos'd to have any here, right? Or else we get suuuuper messed up, right???
[And he turns that look on Hakkai, cheeks puffing out and everything.]
An' you stay put! I can take the plate back just fine myself!
He's right man, let the monkey take care of it. You gotta take care of you too.
[And Gojyo really does want you to just ... sit here some more. Keep him company. His eyes keep catching on parts of Hakkai he hadn't noticed before. He wanted to keep looking while he gave his brain time to catch up to whatever the fuck had just happened.
So he finally lets his eyes hang on Hakkai, hoping he'll turn and meet his.]
[But it's a weak protest. It feels like the wind got pulled out of him. Thoughts bouncing around in his head that won't stop. He should go. He should just go. Make the choice before anyone else does, before what he stumbled into ruins everything. It will, won't it.]
[Someone like him... he'd never deserved anything more than punishment, didn't he? Doesn't he? Just go. Just get up. Just...]
[Stay, man]
[Why don't they get it? Why can't they see he's crossed a line already? Or they will. They should. He doesn't pry his eyes off the ground. Perfect place for someone who stands to ruin friendships - the dust.]
[Goku tilts his head as he looks at them, lips quirking to one side. He's definitely still annoyed, but he also knows he's stepped into the middle of their secret whatever-this-is. Maybe they need a second to get it sorted out or something.
He can do that.
So he bends down to pick that plate up off the ground, even though he fixes them both with A Look again. It's not exactly intimidating, because it's coming from him, but he is totally trying to copy something he's seen from one of them.]
I'll be right back, 'kay? An' I'll bring dinner up too, so no suckin' face 'til waaaay later!
[He doesn't even give them a chance to respond to that before he's out the door again.]
[The door closes and the pillow he threw at him bounces uselessly off it, falling limply to the floor.
Just like anything that could very generously be dubbed "a plan" that Gojyo had. The tension in the room is back, and this time he knows it's on him to do something about it.
He clears his throat again, tucking his hair behind his ear.]
C'mon. Let's see that ankle. And none of that "it's fine" bullshit, yeah?
[His shoulders go tight when Goku makes that final statement. But he can't really bring himself to say anything. What would he say? No, we weren't, but I would like to? Ugh. Pathetic.]
[He's turning everything through his head, still. Caught up in all of the what-ifs, still. Completely sure this is going to go sideways before he blinks. Absolutely certain.]
[... And, as usual, Gojyo goes and turns his expectations on his head.]
Ah. All right. [Is all he can think to say. Feeling like there's a bomb about to drop over his head. He just slowly eases his leg onto the bed, his eyes locked on it. If he looks Gojyo in the eye, he might say something he shouldn't.]
[Really Gojyo just needs some space to think, and he's always thought better when his hands were busy. There were already bandages by his bedside from his last patch job, so this was an easy fix.
He'd always been good with his hands.
Fixing things was never his forte, but he could patch them up. Make them a little better, a little more functional. Repairing a set of stairs in exchange for a roof over his head for the night. Repairing walls after a bad storm or youkai attack for a warm meal in his belly. It calmed him down, made his world feel a little more steady.
So he pushes up Hakkai's pant leg and pulls off his sock, inspecting the swollen joint with a wince.]
Yep, still fucked up.
[Gojyo meant it to be a bit funny, and normally it might have been. But now there was a weight in the room between them and Gojyo was starting to catch on to what it might be. This changing, growing thing.
Long fingers carefully pluck at the bindings on his existing bandage, lifting Hakkai's leg gently as he worked.]
Time works different here, yeah?
[He looks up at Hakkai briefly before turning back to his work.]
Heard from a few other people. Even if you're from the same place, know each other, all that shit. Sometimes you come in at different points in time.
Unsurprising. It's only been a few days, hasn't it? I'm told healing is faster here, for us, those who wash up on shore. Something else about the blood I hadn't known before. Funny, isn't it?
[Ramble. Ramble. Fill the silence with something that isn't inner turmoil. That isn't him jumping to conclusions aloud. Offering to stay here, while Goku and Gojyo can have the house. It's fine, he'll check up on them every day, but things can't continue like this, can they? And he's so sorry. He didn't mean this. He didn't ever think...]
[For all of Gojyo's care, it is a broken ankle, and it does hurt to have it manipulated. So the sharp stab of it cuts off his train of thought. Yanks him back down to earth again. He won't let it out, though, he knows Gojyo is trying. He won't judge.]
[... and the question? He's back off his spinning, catastrophic inner monologue, trying to puzzle out this new angle.]
Well. Yes. We talked about that when you arrived... Did you forget?
[A beat.] Did you hit your head too hard out there?
[Trying to forget the sound of a body hitting the ground. The puff of dust and the silence. The way everything just snapped...]
[He swallows.]
[It feels like the shoe is dropping. He can't move. Something cold settling in his chest. He's absolutely sure this is going the way he thinks. About us... can never be good. How could it possibly be good? He's absolutely blown it.]
[His jaw works.]
I'll move my things out. I... have been a burden to you long enough, haven't I? That's what you're going to say. What you should say. [He laughs, but there's no humor in it. It's more like a death rattle than a laugh.]
What else could I possibly not know about you, except that we've... that we've parted ways?
[He just shakes his head. Why would he think that? Does Gojyo really have to ask? Seriously? It's easier, not to look him in the eye still. Easier to laugh hoarsely, humorlessly. Bow his head to let his hair hide his eyes. Waiting... How could he be wrong? Maybe he's just jumping part of the gun. Not the whole thing.]
[At least until Gojyo moves. Then he lifts his head, finally.]
[The ground drops out from under him.]
[His hands are outstretched before his brain catches up. Brushing back stray red strands, thumbs smoothing along the black mark. As if it's going to vanish. As if touch is somehow going to banish the horrid sight like it did his corruption. It doesn't. Even if he traces it, again and again, the movements turning jerky, hasty.]
[It's not going away.]
[The surge of adrenaline fades out, and he slowly bows his head again, with a long shudder. This - well, he definitely didn't expect this.]
Nah. Few weeks, maybe? Dunno what it means back home yet, or here. Nothin' else changed.
[He lets his hair drop back and picks up the bandages again, beginning the slow process of re-wrapping his ankle.]
There was a point where I got worried though. If we went off and did some shit and I turned all demon I needed to know you'd stop me, put me down if you had to. If it's me or the world it's gotta be the world, you know?
[Gojyo's jaw flexes. The shock of it still makes him think he dreamed the whole thing.]
You said you couldn't. Said even if Sanzo did you'd youkai out and try to beat the shit outta him to keep him from doing it, even. You were dead serious.
[All he can do is sit there. Sit there and listen. He should be feeling something. Other than just blank, numb acceptance. But it... it makes sense. Even as his voice comes out quiet, hoarse.]
Is that really such a shock?
[Just saying that much feels like an admission. Feels like he's stepped too far. But it doesn't surprise him. It doesn't surprise him in the least. Even at his worst, he hadn't been able to hurt Gojyo. He'd stopped himself. Held back when he wouldn't against anyone else.]
No part of me has ever been able to hurt you.
[If it's me or the world, it's gotta be the world. When they've been one another's world for so long... that statement becomes totally different.]
[Whether he should have known or not, he had been surprised. No, shocked shitless. He knew Hakkai cared about him, of course. They were best friends. Had been for years. But he also knew Hakkai could make those harder calls when he had to. He had this warped sense of 'I'll just have to eat how shitty this makes me feel forever' that let him push through doing whatever he thought he had to do.
And surely Gojyo wasn't important enough to be an exception.]
No.
[He's paying closer attention to that ankle wrapping now. Boy is that interesting. His hair slides forward to hide his expression as he focuses, but Hakkai knows him well enough to hear the self depreciating smile in his voice.]
But you're you and I'm me, yeah? Like in the fight with the kid. I know it's gotta be you that makes it or we're fucked.
[What happens afterward? When he's the only one who makes it. When he is the only one who would be able to walk back into that little house they had. The only one left. That's not something he wants to think about. Not a world he could stand to be in.]
I...
[He hesitates. He shouldn't do this. He should not step forward more than he already has. But he can't stand to hear that note in Gojyo's voice right now. Not after this news. So he reaches over. He grasps one of those hands.]
Do you really believe I could be content in that world? If you couldn't?
[Gojyo starts, eyes widening as he actually forces himself to picture it.
He knew he was hot and got away with a lot because of it, but beyond that he didn't think of himself as a guy with a ton to offer. No family, no real long lasting friends aside from the present company. No ambitions in life to do much more than he did now. He didn't want to raise a family, earn a bunch of money. Hell, he wasn't even sure he'd make it to 30.
What if we're still doing this when we're 40?
Maybe that's why, despite the absolute logic of it, Gojyo'd never actually thought about what might happen if Hakkai made it and he didn't.
He loved Hakkai, but the guy wasn't exactly the king of stability. He developed deep attachments to the people in his life, and Gojyo was undoubtably one of his stronger ones. He didn't have to be as perceptive as he typically was to've worked that out.
But he hadn't.
Why?
The hand that isn't holding Hakkai's grasps at the bedsheets.]
[For the first time since Goku opened the door, there's the ghost of humor in his voice. His expression softening slightly. Affectionate.]
["losing his shit" is putting it lightly. Downplaying something like a bomb going off. If that past night had been any sort of measurement of what would happen. He's never been one to react rationally to a loss. Especially not the loss of someone as important as a loved one. His past was one big red flag for that.]
I told you before. I don't think I can lose anyone else. Especially not someone important to me.
[His voice flattens out. Eyes dropped to the bed.]
And I... cannot be responsible for their death. Ever again.
Oi, oi. If I died back there it wouldn't have been your fault.
[He frowns, finally looking back up at Hakkai from beneath the curtain of his hair.]
My choices got me where I was. My actions. That ain't on you.
[He, of course, knew about Kanan. It'd been how they met in the end, after all. The last thing he wanted if something did happen to him was for Hakkai to blame himself. That might be inevitable, but Gojyo could at least make his stance on the issue clear.
Gojyo gave his hand a squeeze.]
I ain't planning on going anywhere, here or there. Even in the future. Even if--
[He lets go of the bedsheet to gesture at his neck.]
-- this thing decides to fuck up my life. You're important too.
[The next words catch in his throat. He forces them out anyway.]
Never had anyone in my life before who gave a shit and didn't take off.
Hm. I... believe you feel that way. [With the unspoken statement he can't bring himself to do the same. He couldn't not blame himself for another loss. For letting himself become so closely attached to someone else he couldn't save. That mark may as well be a sword hung over Gojyo's head.]
[And he can't do a damn thing about it.] I just can't accept it again. I couldn't take it again. Losing someone who means...
[Means an entire world. It would be the last straw. The final blow. He wouldn't really care for anything else. Or try to. Why bother? Just let the monster take over. Let himself go - let one of the others take the shot. Yeah, this would be the most dramatic of bitches here.]
[He's quiet for a while then, just lacing their fingers tighter together. Should he do this? Venture forward? Gojyo is being vulnerable here. He's offering more than Hakkai has. It's not fair to him to just leave things as they are...]
[He swallows.]
Of course I won't go anywhere. My next partner has to be someone indestructible, as... you always call yourself.
[His head feels like it's going to explode, heart hammering louder and louder in his ears.]
It'd been a joke, followed by a quip about how all of his kids would get a crush on their 'Uncle Gojyo.' Hakkai's future wife, he'd said.
Forty years.
It'd be too sexy.
The almost panicked way he kept his mark from him, even if this Hakkai has no memory of it.
Reality settles in, settling like sheets of rice paper. Each one with a different part of the puzzle. Layered together the picture was clear.]
You--
[But his fingers were tight where they twined with Hakkai's. He wasn't about to let him pull away, not now. Even as he stared at him, eyes wide. Breathless.]
[He very nearly does pull away. Pull himself back off the bed. The silence, while understandable, as the gears in Gojyo's head slowly grind to life - just a little faster than the hamster wheel in Goku's. He should know that. But in this moment, with this revelation, he can't help but let his mind start to spiral.]
[And his mouth with it.]
I know, it's - absurd, isn't it? I'm nothing like the usual sorts you prefer, in any way. It's just not possible. I irritate you, for one thing. Nagging, that's what you call it, isn't it? Or called it. But you see why I offered to go? Why I offered to find my own residence? I shouldn't burden you with something like this. I can't ask for more than just friendship - it won't make you any less important in my life, I don't think that's possible -
[oh my god shut up]
[Because he's still going. He's still laying out every reason he's absolutely sure this won't go anywhere but awkwardly. He's still saying he understands, he's a criminal, he's committed horrible acts, no one should want anything like a relationship with him. Let alone someone who is an actual decent person.]
[He can't even bring himself to look into Gojyo's eyes. Even while he feels them on him. He doesn't want to see what he fears.]
[Incredulity? Rejection? Something along those lines.]
[Hakkai is still rambling when he drops his head into his other hand. To hide his own expression better.]
[Honestly, the rambling is a relief. While he goes off Gojyo's eyes search him, still absorbing the revelation that his best friend has the hots for him. Maybe even loves him. It lets him see the reality of it all through the familiarity of his trademark self depreciation.
After a moment the sound of Hakkai's voice fades out. It's a white noise he can handle because he's seen it... well, not often, but often enough to know what it means. This, he can read.
A soft smile tugs at the corners of his mouth unbidden, and he leans forward. Hands still twined, he closes the distance between them in a manner not entirely unfamiliar. Gojyo has always been physical, after all. Slinging an arm over his shoulder, ruffling his hair. Just generally being in his space.
Being here wasn't unfamiliar at all. It grounded him. And suddenly he knew exactly what to do.]
Oi. Quit that.
[And he rapped at Hakkai's head with his palm.]
You're assuming shit again. Maybe you oughta actually ask me what I think before jumping ten steps ahead.
[Honestly, Hakkai probably would have kept rambling on and on, repeating himself once he got to the end of the list of reasons he was unfit for any form of romantic companionship. It was just his way. The usual way.]
[Until Gojyo's hand contacts his head.]
[It's like hitting the reset button on a computer. Or skip on a disc player. He kind of blinks. Rapidly. His train of thought literally off the tracks. For a good handful of seconds, he can only stare.]
... Oh. I... hadn't thought of that.
[Yeah, no shit. But in his defense, however small it may be, he hadn't actually thought they would ever have this conversation.]
Maybe - it's that I'm concerned of what the answer will be...
[He knows how easy it'd be for him to hurt Hakkai. How fragile he is when it comes to the people he cares about. And even before all of this thee fact that he cared about Gojyo was undeniable. As was the fact that it was reciprocated.
Gojyo had to admire how brave he had to be to come this far. For him this was a huge leap. A huge risk. It deserved at least as much back.]
I had no idea. Seriously none. Probably makes me a dumbass, but I--
[He swallows, his tone softening.]
I never had anyone ... [He gestures with is free hand.] You know. Care about me like this. Ain't never done more than sleep with a girl or a friend or whatever. And even then they didn't exactly stick around. [He exhales a mirthless laugh.] Hell, you know my family situation. So not much love there either.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.
[Gojyo's heart thuds in his chest. Sex he knew how to handle. He was getting better at long-term friends. But this? This kind of intimacy? Vulnerability? Fuck, he barely knew what those words meant.
He licked his lips.]
But I've known there was something different for awhile now. On my side, I mean. I hate you not being around. I even hated thinkin' about different rooms in the new house. Ain't that stupid? A guy deserves his own space, you know? Nothin' wrong with that. But I hate it.
[His free hand tears through his hair, pulling it back from his forehead.]
I love you. You're the most important person in my life. You have been for a real long time. That part's easy. The rest scares the shit outta me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 04:10 am (UTC)Secrets are stupid! We're not s'pos'd to have any here, right? Or else we get suuuuper messed up, right???
[And he turns that look on Hakkai, cheeks puffing out and everything.]
An' you stay put! I can take the plate back just fine myself!
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 04:20 am (UTC)He's right man, let the monkey take care of it. You gotta take care of you too.
[And Gojyo really does want you to just ... sit here some more. Keep him company. His eyes keep catching on parts of Hakkai he hadn't noticed before. He wanted to keep looking while he gave his brain time to catch up to whatever the fuck had just happened.
So he finally lets his eyes hang on Hakkai, hoping he'll turn and meet his.]
Stay, man.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 04:37 am (UTC)[But it's a weak protest. It feels like the wind got pulled out of him. Thoughts bouncing around in his head that won't stop. He should go. He should just go. Make the choice before anyone else does, before what he stumbled into ruins everything. It will, won't it.]
[Someone like him... he'd never deserved anything more than punishment, didn't he? Doesn't he? Just go. Just get up. Just...]
[Stay, man]
[Why don't they get it? Why can't they see he's crossed a line already? Or they will. They should. He doesn't pry his eyes off the ground. Perfect place for someone who stands to ruin friendships - the dust.]
Right. Thank you... Goku.
[Hakkai for fuck's sake nothing even happened.]
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 05:01 am (UTC)[Goku tilts his head as he looks at them, lips quirking to one side. He's definitely still annoyed, but he also knows he's stepped into the middle of their secret whatever-this-is. Maybe they need a second to get it sorted out or something.
He can do that.
So he bends down to pick that plate up off the ground, even though he fixes them both with A Look again. It's not exactly intimidating, because it's coming from him, but he is totally trying to copy something he's seen from one of them.]
I'll be right back, 'kay? An' I'll bring dinner up too, so no suckin' face 'til waaaay later!
[He doesn't even give them a chance to respond to that before he's out the door again.]
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 05:08 am (UTC)[The door closes and the pillow he threw at him bounces uselessly off it, falling limply to the floor.
Just like anything that could very generously be dubbed "a plan" that Gojyo had. The tension in the room is back, and this time he knows it's on him to do something about it.
He clears his throat again, tucking his hair behind his ear.]
C'mon. Let's see that ankle. And none of that "it's fine" bullshit, yeah?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 05:20 am (UTC)[He's turning everything through his head, still. Caught up in all of the what-ifs, still. Completely sure this is going to go sideways before he blinks. Absolutely certain.]
[... And, as usual, Gojyo goes and turns his expectations on his head.]
Ah. All right. [Is all he can think to say. Feeling like there's a bomb about to drop over his head. He just slowly eases his leg onto the bed, his eyes locked on it. If he looks Gojyo in the eye, he might say something he shouldn't.]
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 05:53 am (UTC)He'd always been good with his hands.
Fixing things was never his forte, but he could patch them up. Make them a little better, a little more functional. Repairing a set of stairs in exchange for a roof over his head for the night. Repairing walls after a bad storm or youkai attack for a warm meal in his belly. It calmed him down, made his world feel a little more steady.
So he pushes up Hakkai's pant leg and pulls off his sock, inspecting the swollen joint with a wince.]
Yep, still fucked up.
[Gojyo meant it to be a bit funny, and normally it might have been. But now there was a weight in the room between them and Gojyo was starting to catch on to what it might be. This changing, growing thing.
Long fingers carefully pluck at the bindings on his existing bandage, lifting Hakkai's leg gently as he worked.]
Time works different here, yeah?
[He looks up at Hakkai briefly before turning back to his work.]
Heard from a few other people. Even if you're from the same place, know each other, all that shit. Sometimes you come in at different points in time.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 06:06 am (UTC)[Ramble. Ramble. Fill the silence with something that isn't inner turmoil. That isn't him jumping to conclusions aloud. Offering to stay here, while Goku and Gojyo can have the house. It's fine, he'll check up on them every day, but things can't continue like this, can they? And he's so sorry. He didn't mean this. He didn't ever think...]
[For all of Gojyo's care, it is a broken ankle, and it does hurt to have it manipulated. So the sharp stab of it cuts off his train of thought. Yanks him back down to earth again. He won't let it out, though, he knows Gojyo is trying. He won't judge.]
[... and the question? He's back off his spinning, catastrophic inner monologue, trying to puzzle out this new angle.]
Well. Yes. We talked about that when you arrived... Did you forget?
[A beat.] Did you hit your head too hard out there?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 06:12 am (UTC)Think I hit everything pretty hard. You forget?
[He hums thoughtfully as he glances around, spotting another pillow to prop Hakkai's leg up with while he messes with the new roll of bandages.]
Think I figured out I'm ahead of both of you. There's some shit you don't know about me.
[A beat.]
About us.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 06:25 am (UTC)[Trying to forget the sound of a body hitting the ground. The puff of dust and the silence. The way everything just snapped...]
[He swallows.]
[It feels like the shoe is dropping. He can't move. Something cold settling in his chest. He's absolutely sure this is going the way he thinks. About us... can never be good. How could it possibly be good? He's absolutely blown it.]
[His jaw works.]
I'll move my things out. I... have been a burden to you long enough, haven't I? That's what you're going to say. What you should say. [He laughs, but there's no humor in it. It's more like a death rattle than a laugh.]
What else could I possibly not know about you, except that we've... that we've parted ways?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 06:34 am (UTC)What? Why would you--
[His eyes close, head hanging for a second. Of course. Of course Hakkai assumed the worst. Why wouldn't he?]
You know, after all this time bein' wrong you'd think you'd get used to it by now.
[Gojyo exhaled, looking back up.]
It ain't like that. It's-- easier to show you, probably.
[So he gathers his hair and turns. Exposing his neck.]
You saw it before anyone else somehow, but it was Goku who pointed it out. Dunno what it means yet, it hasn't done anything to me yet. But it's there.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 06:46 am (UTC)[At least until Gojyo moves. Then he lifts his head, finally.]
[The ground drops out from under him.]
[His hands are outstretched before his brain catches up. Brushing back stray red strands, thumbs smoothing along the black mark. As if it's going to vanish. As if touch is somehow going to banish the horrid sight like it did his corruption. It doesn't. Even if he traces it, again and again, the movements turning jerky, hasty.]
[It's not going away.]
[The surge of adrenaline fades out, and he slowly bows his head again, with a long shudder. This - well, he definitely didn't expect this.]
... How long...? Do you know?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 06:56 am (UTC)Nah. Few weeks, maybe? Dunno what it means back home yet, or here. Nothin' else changed.
[He lets his hair drop back and picks up the bandages again, beginning the slow process of re-wrapping his ankle.]
There was a point where I got worried though. If we went off and did some shit and I turned all demon I needed to know you'd stop me, put me down if you had to. If it's me or the world it's gotta be the world, you know?
[Gojyo's jaw flexes. The shock of it still makes him think he dreamed the whole thing.]
You said you couldn't. Said even if Sanzo did you'd youkai out and try to beat the shit outta him to keep him from doing it, even. You were dead serious.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 09:34 pm (UTC)Is that really such a shock?
[Just saying that much feels like an admission. Feels like he's stepped too far. But it doesn't surprise him. It doesn't surprise him in the least. Even at his worst, he hadn't been able to hurt Gojyo. He'd stopped himself. Held back when he wouldn't against anyone else.]
No part of me has ever been able to hurt you.
[If it's me or the world, it's gotta be the world. When they've been one another's world for so long... that statement becomes totally different.]
Would you, if the situation was reversed?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 10:22 pm (UTC)[Whether he should have known or not, he had been surprised. No, shocked shitless. He knew Hakkai cared about him, of course. They were best friends. Had been for years. But he also knew Hakkai could make those harder calls when he had to. He had this warped sense of 'I'll just have to eat how shitty this makes me feel forever' that let him push through doing whatever he thought he had to do.
And surely Gojyo wasn't important enough to be an exception.]
No.
[He's paying closer attention to that ankle wrapping now. Boy is that interesting. His hair slides forward to hide his expression as he focuses, but Hakkai knows him well enough to hear the self depreciating smile in his voice.]
But you're you and I'm me, yeah? Like in the fight with the kid. I know it's gotta be you that makes it or we're fucked.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-11 10:42 pm (UTC)[What happens afterward? When he's the only one who makes it. When he is the only one who would be able to walk back into that little house they had. The only one left. That's not something he wants to think about. Not a world he could stand to be in.]
I...
[He hesitates. He shouldn't do this. He should not step forward more than he already has. But he can't stand to hear that note in Gojyo's voice right now. Not after this news. So he reaches over. He grasps one of those hands.]
Do you really believe I could be content in that world? If you couldn't?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-12 02:23 am (UTC)He knew he was hot and got away with a lot because of it, but beyond that he didn't think of himself as a guy with a ton to offer. No family, no real long lasting friends aside from the present company. No ambitions in life to do much more than he did now. He didn't want to raise a family, earn a bunch of money. Hell, he wasn't even sure he'd make it to 30.
What if we're still doing this when we're 40?
Maybe that's why, despite the absolute logic of it, Gojyo'd never actually thought about what might happen if Hakkai made it and he didn't.
He loved Hakkai, but the guy wasn't exactly the king of stability. He developed deep attachments to the people in his life, and Gojyo was undoubtably one of his stronger ones. He didn't have to be as perceptive as he typically was to've worked that out.
But he hadn't.
Why?
The hand that isn't holding Hakkai's grasps at the bedsheets.]
You'd kinda lose your shit, huh?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2023-06-12 03:00 am (UTC)[For the first time since Goku opened the door, there's the ghost of humor in his voice. His expression softening slightly. Affectionate.]
["losing his shit" is putting it lightly. Downplaying something like a bomb going off. If that past night had been any sort of measurement of what would happen. He's never been one to react rationally to a loss. Especially not the loss of someone as important as a loved one. His past was one big red flag for that.]
I told you before. I don't think I can lose anyone else. Especially not someone important to me.
[His voice flattens out. Eyes dropped to the bed.]
And I... cannot be responsible for their death. Ever again.
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Date: 2023-06-12 03:46 am (UTC)[He frowns, finally looking back up at Hakkai from beneath the curtain of his hair.]
My choices got me where I was. My actions. That ain't on you.
[He, of course, knew about Kanan. It'd been how they met in the end, after all. The last thing he wanted if something did happen to him was for Hakkai to blame himself. That might be inevitable, but Gojyo could at least make his stance on the issue clear.
Gojyo gave his hand a squeeze.]
I ain't planning on going anywhere, here or there. Even in the future. Even if--
[He lets go of the bedsheet to gesture at his neck.]
-- this thing decides to fuck up my life. You're important too.
[The next words catch in his throat. He forces them out anyway.]
Never had anyone in my life before who gave a shit and didn't take off.
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Date: 2023-06-12 04:04 am (UTC)[And he can't do a damn thing about it.] I just can't accept it again. I couldn't take it again. Losing someone who means...
[Means an entire world. It would be the last straw. The final blow. He wouldn't really care for anything else. Or try to. Why bother? Just let the monster take over. Let himself go - let one of the others take the shot. Yeah, this would be the most dramatic of bitches here.]
[He's quiet for a while then, just lacing their fingers tighter together. Should he do this? Venture forward? Gojyo is being vulnerable here. He's offering more than Hakkai has. It's not fair to him to just leave things as they are...]
[He swallows.]
Of course I won't go anywhere. My next partner has to be someone indestructible, as... you always call yourself.
[His head feels like it's going to explode, heart hammering louder and louder in his ears.]
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Date: 2023-06-12 05:01 am (UTC)My next partner should be an invincible woman.
It'd been a joke, followed by a quip about how all of his kids would get a crush on their 'Uncle Gojyo.' Hakkai's future wife, he'd said.
Forty years.
It'd be too sexy.
The almost panicked way he kept his mark from him, even if this Hakkai has no memory of it.
Reality settles in, settling like sheets of rice paper. Each one with a different part of the puzzle. Layered together the picture was clear.]
You--
[But his fingers were tight where they twined with Hakkai's. He wasn't about to let him pull away, not now. Even as he stared at him, eyes wide. Breathless.]
-- me?
[Nailed it.]
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Date: 2023-06-12 05:20 am (UTC)[And his mouth with it.]
I know, it's - absurd, isn't it? I'm nothing like the usual sorts you prefer, in any way. It's just not possible. I irritate you, for one thing. Nagging, that's what you call it, isn't it? Or called it. But you see why I offered to go? Why I offered to find my own residence? I shouldn't burden you with something like this. I can't ask for more than just friendship - it won't make you any less important in my life, I don't think that's possible -
[oh my god shut up]
[Because he's still going. He's still laying out every reason he's absolutely sure this won't go anywhere but awkwardly. He's still saying he understands, he's a criminal, he's committed horrible acts, no one should want anything like a relationship with him. Let alone someone who is an actual decent person.]
[He can't even bring himself to look into Gojyo's eyes. Even while he feels them on him. He doesn't want to see what he fears.]
[Incredulity? Rejection? Something along those lines.]
[Hakkai is still rambling when he drops his head into his other hand. To hide his own expression better.]
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Date: 2023-06-12 05:30 am (UTC)After a moment the sound of Hakkai's voice fades out. It's a white noise he can handle because he's seen it... well, not often, but often enough to know what it means. This, he can read.
A soft smile tugs at the corners of his mouth unbidden, and he leans forward. Hands still twined, he closes the distance between them in a manner not entirely unfamiliar. Gojyo has always been physical, after all. Slinging an arm over his shoulder, ruffling his hair. Just generally being in his space.
Being here wasn't unfamiliar at all. It grounded him. And suddenly he knew exactly what to do.]
Oi. Quit that.
[And he rapped at Hakkai's head with his palm.]
You're assuming shit again. Maybe you oughta actually ask me what I think before jumping ten steps ahead.
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Date: 2023-06-12 05:44 am (UTC)[Until Gojyo's hand contacts his head.]
[It's like hitting the reset button on a computer. Or skip on a disc player. He kind of blinks. Rapidly. His train of thought literally off the tracks. For a good handful of seconds, he can only stare.]
... Oh. I... hadn't thought of that.
[Yeah, no shit. But in his defense, however small it may be, he hadn't actually thought they would ever have this conversation.]
Maybe - it's that I'm concerned of what the answer will be...
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Date: 2023-06-12 05:59 am (UTC)[He exhales.]
Yeah, I get that.
[He knows how easy it'd be for him to hurt Hakkai. How fragile he is when it comes to the people he cares about. And even before all of this thee fact that he cared about Gojyo was undeniable. As was the fact that it was reciprocated.
Gojyo had to admire how brave he had to be to come this far. For him this was a huge leap. A huge risk. It deserved at least as much back.]
I had no idea. Seriously none. Probably makes me a dumbass, but I--
[He swallows, his tone softening.]
I never had anyone ... [He gestures with is free hand.] You know. Care about me like this. Ain't never done more than sleep with a girl or a friend or whatever. And even then they didn't exactly stick around. [He exhales a mirthless laugh.] Hell, you know my family situation. So not much love there either.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.
[Gojyo's heart thuds in his chest. Sex he knew how to handle. He was getting better at long-term friends. But this? This kind of intimacy? Vulnerability? Fuck, he barely knew what those words meant.
He licked his lips.]
But I've known there was something different for awhile now. On my side, I mean. I hate you not being around. I even hated thinkin' about different rooms in the new house. Ain't that stupid? A guy deserves his own space, you know? Nothin' wrong with that. But I hate it.
[His free hand tears through his hair, pulling it back from his forehead.]
I love you. You're the most important person in my life. You have been for a real long time. That part's easy. The rest scares the shit outta me.
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